To be honest, I’m not okay because there are things that are still happening that are hurting me. There are so many things that I hadn’t been told. So many things that were left unsaid to me. I can’t help but feel that I was butted out and replaced. I hate that. It hurts me beyond anything I can describe. Of everything that happened, it hurts me the most. I hear someone “spill the beans” and you try to cover it up. It doesn’t work because I can hear every part of it. Why am I crying over Harry Potter? It doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t care this much, but I do.
I have another confession to make: I feel like things are definetely different between us. Perhaps that’s the way life goes… Maybe it was just meant to be this way. I don’t want to think that whatever happened two or so weeks ago has changed how we see each other forever. But I think it has. Maybe it’s neither of our faults. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t know because I’m kind of confused. I think I like you, but I don’t know if that’s what I’m finally discovering for myself or if it’s because I think that by dating you I could hold onto you. Even if I liked you, there are so many obstacles. My mother for one, the work that it will take to get over our current awkwardness, and do you even like me anymore? Are you even attracted to me? Just liking someone for their personality does not create passion. It’s a lot easier to fall into faithLESSness and a whole relationship is based on trust and faithFULness. It would not be advantageous to do anything and risk everything… right? That’s what I keep telling myself and that’s what makes sense in my head.
A friend of mine made an off topic comment one day. He noticed I was a bit contemplative and he asked me what it was. I didn’t expand, but instead said that it was just a bit of drama. He told me that whoever it was, I should “ditch and replace.” I was very taken aback by that. It was weird because it was all that I was thinking of those two weeks that seemed like suddenly everything changed for the worse. To be completely honest, those two weeks were like hell. This week is still like hell. It’s not that much of a hell… not as bad as before, but things are awkward, yes? I don’t know what to do anymore and to me that’s another type of hell. It’s funny how I jumped from one fire right into another. This fire is a little safer, but it’s still a fire.