It took me a long time to decide whether or not I wanted to blog about this since it is intensely personal, but I think I need to speak about it to finish my healing process.
I used to love to blog. I would go on my journal and browse my friends’ journals everyday. I actually have an old livejournal with hundreds of posts. Every single one of those posts are precious to me even if I sound like a crazy adolescent going “ZOMG!” and “NO WAAAAIII!” on every post, but something happened about two years back that made every post in that journal shameful. I turned most of those posts private or only accessible by friends. Sometimes, I can’t even look at that journal without feeling down.
I loved blogging. I still love blogging though it takes me a conscious effort to sit down and write again. Two years ago someone I knew traced me on the internet and somehow found my blog. It was someone I probably knew and someone who probably had a grudge on me. It was definitely someone who wanted to hurt me. They took my personal thoughts, thoughts that I had never felt ashamed of before (even my stupid, whiney, bitchy adolescent ones), and turned them into something nasty and mocking.
My university somehow got involved in one of those anonymous forums. You know, where you posted anonymously and raged and bitched at everything that you didn’t like and no one could trace it back to you. Since it was a specific forum for my university there were a lot of nasty things on that website about people I knew. Sometimes I would log in anonymously and defend them. I never expected there to be a post about me, but one day something turned up. My friend sent me a private message on Facebook saying that he had found a really nasty post about me and thought I should know. Naturally, I looked at it.
It was about me and they used stupid things that I had said as a young teenager against me. They used those posts to mock me and I have never been able to look at my old blog the same way again. Soon, people that I didn’t know were analyzing my private life and saying crap about me. I kept thinking: You barely KNOW me? How can you judge me like this? How can you judge me based on what you barely know? How could you only focus on the bad things?
In my mind I knew that it was childish of them and I tried to ignore it. I tried to act like I didn’t care. I tried so very hard to be the tough girl. I eventually got the website’s mods to take it down. (I might or might not have threatened legal action if they refused to act on it.) Another thread turned up somewhere, but this one was a little less scathing, but it still targeted my once precious blog. Somewhere along the way I gave up fighting back and hoped to the heavens that the fiasco would die down.
I spent a long time being sad and raging inside my head. In a single day I probably cycled through those two emotions dozens of times. I struggled a lot trying to decide if I was going to delete the whole blog. I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let their hate force me into destroying several years worth of memories. I went through all the entries and made the majority of them private.
What I struggled with the most is that the person who I thought started it all was probably someone who I thought was my friend. I didn’t really share the existence of my blog with friends that I knew in real life. Only the ones which I thought were the closest and not all of those friends stayed close. I never found out who did it, but I’ve moved past that.
You might ask me why I didn’t just make them private in the first place. It would have prevented this whole mess, right? The truth was that I wasn’t ever, ever, ashamed of what I wrote, what my thoughts were, and who I was as a person. I had grown a lot over the years. Why would I try to hide that? It was more of a source of pride for me to realize that I had changed so much. You have to accept your life as whole. You can’t just lock away everything that was bad about yourself and pretend to be a perfect person. I wasn’t ever ashamed until my blog was used against me on that disgusting website.
I didn’t blog for a long time. I didn’t contribute very many videos to youtube. I couldn’t look at my livejournal without cringing. I moved to wordpress to try to get away from it all, but every time I tried to blog again it would hurt and I would constantly edit my thoughts. The public posts that I did write were very short.
Some days I don’t feel like blogging and that’s just the way that it is…